Keep Us ALIVE! Please Donate!

TM

8

On all these Pages will be a Joke, A Picture or a Movie...ALL FUNNY

MENU

Page one

Page two

Page three

Page four

Page five

Page six

Page seven

Page eight

Page nine

Page ten

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks, "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.

Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

THE BEST GIFT
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back
together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I
sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got
you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know
she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the
entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one
of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot
recites it."
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks.
"Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only
one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the
time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to
know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

SOUTHERN MEDICAL TERMS

Benign...............What you be after you be eight. Artery.......................The study of paintings. Bacteria......................Back door to cafeteria. Barium.............What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section..............A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan..........................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize..................Made eye contact with her. Colic....................................A sheep dog. Coma..............................A punctuation mark. D&C..............................Where Washington is. Dilate..................................To live long. Enema...................................Not a friend. Fester.....................Quicker than someone else. Fibula...................................A small lie. Genital............................Non-Jewish person. G.I.Series.........World Series of military baseball. Hangnail..................What you hang your coat on. Impotent...................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain......................Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff........................A Doctor's cane. Morbid.....................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates......................Cheaper than day rates. Node......................................I knew it. Outpatient...................A person who has fainted. Pap Smear...........................A fatherhood test. Pelvis........................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative......................A letter carrier. Recovery Room.................Place to do upholstery. Rectum..........................Darn near killed him. Secretion...........................Hiding something. Seizure................................Roman emperor. Tablet.................................A small table. Terminal Illness.........Getting sick at the airport. Tumor..................................More than one. Urine.........................Opposite of you're out. Varicose............................Near by/close by.

This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. A must read!

Dear Diary... For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year

old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found

it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going

to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the

door. Bruce made me lie on the floor and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other

club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

Thursday: Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.

Friday: I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wanna-be bastard. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the F**king barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi bastard).

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband (the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she
placed a personal ad that read:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE
FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
   For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing
   constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the
   men seemed to meet her qualifications.
   Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a
   man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she
   asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
   "Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams.
   I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't
   run away."
   The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
   To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
   

Thanks, You Guys and Dolls
Fer Stoppin in!

OMNI