UTHRILLME - Oldies of the past

JOKES...Weeze got em!

OK.....Here we gooooooooooooooooooozzz

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WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD, BECAUSE
. . ..

He said . .. .

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used
me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips,
yet she won't drink from my glass!

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a
sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.'
I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when
you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,
'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-
Loom guys giggling.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago
last night.

How many of these did YOU know about?

A sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours, then slide a
knife under the flap. The envelope can then be resealed.
(hmmmmmm...)

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Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It keeps them
neat and you can write on the roll what appliance it belongs to.

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For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm water and put
Dawn dish washing liquid in it. Pour it all over the steps. They won't
refreeze. (wish I had known this for the last 40 years!)

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To remove old wax from a glass candle holder, put it in the freezer for
a few hours. Then take the candle holder out and turn it upside down. The
wax will fall out.

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Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp rag, dipped
in baking soda. Comes off with little effort (elbow grease that is!).

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Permanent marker on appliances/counter tops (like store receipt
BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.

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Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of
scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw
away rusted and unused and smelly pads, I finally decided that this would
be much more economical. Now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefin itely!
In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get 'sharpened'' this way!

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Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little hydrogen
peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off every drop of blood. Works
every time! (Now, where to put the body?) LOL

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Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and horizontal
for inside windows. This way you can tell which side has the streaks.
Straight vinegar will get outside windows really clean. Don't wash windows
on a sunny day. They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.

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Spray a bit of perfume on the light bulb in any room to create a lovely
light scent in each room when the light is turned on.

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Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your clothes will
smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You can also do this with towels
and linen.

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Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at least 3
hours prior to burning.

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To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag and add the
flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb all the dust and dirt
and leave your artificial flowers looking like new! Works like a charm!

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To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or
two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to
a boil on stove top.

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Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray before pouring
in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.

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Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
keep for weeks.

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When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of s ugar to help bring out the
corn's natural sweetness

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Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half, and rub it on your
forehead. The throbbing will go away.

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Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future
use in casseroles and sauces ......... Left over wine? What's that? :)

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To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area
and you will experience instant relief.

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Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk
line. So, get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants
tend to march. See for yourself.

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Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still,
leaves a lovely smell to the shine.

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When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to
tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, and
then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.

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Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer........
Clean a toilet.
Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush.
The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China.

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Clean a vase.
To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water
and drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets.

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Polish jewelry.
Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the
jewelry for two minutes.

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Clean a thermos bottle.
Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak
for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

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Unclog a drain.
Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka Seltzer tablets down the
drain followed by a cup of Heinz White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes,
and then run the hot water.

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Do your friends a favor. Pass this timely (and some not-so-timely)
information on to a friend! I just did.
Makes you wonder about ingesting Alka Seltzer, doesn't it?

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school
diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our
jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it
be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots
(Marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
Maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

From:Vickie

The other day, someone in our town read that a
Methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining
county and he asked me a rhetorical question.

"Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?"

I replied, "I had a drug problem when I was young:

I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for
weddings and funerals. I was drug to family reunions and community socials
no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.

I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a
lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke
ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best
effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I
uttered a profanity.

I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds.

I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out
some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or
chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single
dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the
woodshed..

Those drugs are still in my veins and they affect my behavior in
everything I do, say, or think.

They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and if today's
children had this kind of drug problem, the world would be a better place.

God Bless the parents who drugged us."

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